Clear View

"So, Joe, right? You work with Brent, right?" Alycia opened the conversation as she leaned against the bar and said to the bartender "A Tom Collins, please?" Melissa and Brent had left an hour before. Many of the guests had followed suit and the open bar would be closing soon.

"Yeah, I do the web site." Joe looked her up and down, his gaze stopping too many inches below her eyes.

"Neat. Did you go to school for computers?" She dropped her head a bit to try and catch his gaze. The bartender put Joe's rum and coke on the bar, and began making her Tom Collins.

"No, I majored in mass-com, which I think is better for it anyway. I know a lot of guys who do web design who majored in computer science and think they know everything... like those guys know how to communicate. It's not like programming in HTML is hard." He looked at her left hand, then back to her chest. "What about you?"

"Uh..." This is not going anywhere, she thought to herself, as she glanced down at the bar. "I, uh, work for a consulting firm... " The bartender put her drink on the bar in front of her and moved on to the next in line. She picked up the drink and sipped.

"Really? What do you do?" He at least was looking her straight in the eye now.

"Oh, we do a lot of embedded software development," she said, brightening. She liked her job. "The big project right now is a naval, uh, avionics package..." She trailed off as he rolled his eyes.

"So you know about those programmers too! What do you do? Human resources or something?"

This was going south very quickly. Embarrassment mixed with irritation on her face as she took a deep breath and replied, "I'm developing a PC side library for downloading telemetry data from an airframe mounted rotary cannon. I'm a programmer."

"Oh, uh, I... I didn't mean anything about that programmer crack, you know."

"Oh Sure! Hey, I gotta' go talk to Melissa's mom... Maid of Honor stuff, you know..." Alycia took her drink, forced a smile at Joe, and walked off toward the wedding party's table.


— Σαρα

Reflections

Alycia finished applying fresh powder to the shiny spots on her face and put the compact back in her clutch, then examined herself in the mirror. She tried to enjoy the brief pause in an otherwise raucous, overbearing evening full of loud music and loud people that she should have been enjoying. Melissa and Brent were married now but Alycia felt a gaping sense of emptiness. She was still alone with no prospects and her best friends' relationship was closed to her just that little bit more.

She picked up her cocktail glass from the counter. "Maybe that Joe guy would dance with me."

— Σαρα

Regular posting? Ha!

Not much gonna' happen. Depression is not good.

— Σαρα

Yah, it's been half a year

So it's been half a year since I last posted. Nobody reads anyway but I'm feeling better and I have a new heroine:




I was not impressed with John M^cCain, but I was going to hold my nose and vote for him anyway. I don't have to hold my nose now, and it's not just because he has the perfect woman for a running mate. I still disagree with him on a variety of things, but I respect him more now after learning more about him. But Sarah Palin is awesome. She's everything I aspire to be. It would be nice if she had two full terms as governor, but she's still 10 times more qualified for the presidency than Sheriff Bart, and she's only running for VP.

— Σαρα

More self analysis...

In my last post I said

And people who know me don't think me timid at all, I don't think.

This week someone mentioned something to me that made me realize I'm completely wrong in this assumption. I'm beginning to think I'm enclosed in a glass shell that prevents me from seeing clearly out, but everyone else can see in...

— Σαρα

Reconnecting

I'm really tired of being alone. I'm going to start trying to reconnect with people, most of all my husband. I really do love him, and I've cut myself off from him in a way. I should be happily married. He's really very good, but I'm just so timid! And people who know me don't think me timid at all, I don't think. But that's the core of my timidness — I hide my real self and only reveal the barest essentials of my soul. I must risk myself, or I'll never connect. It's just I'm so afraid of the complete disconnection that might come from absolute truth.

I have no idea how to be a person.

— Σαρα

Upon the Frozen Sea

Upon the frozen sea
    I am a ship aflame
I rage with righteous anger
    yet melt not the frozen depths

My heat dissipates upon the ice
    the tepid water refreezes 
My self my fuel, all consumed,
    in futile effort expended

The bitter waste engulfs the ash
And marks not my existence

This has been the way I have felt for a long time, as long as I can remember honestly. I guess I'm coming to grips with the fact that I suffer from depression. It may be clinical/chemically based. I may in fact need anti-depressant medications. I don't know if changing my diet would help or not. I try to avoid high-carb/high-glycemic index foods, but I don't do a very good job. I'm very susceptible to changes in blood sugar and the effects of caffeine. I can be very angry and snappish before dinner, then within minutes of beginning to eat, I'm in a great mood.

I want to be happy, and I know that I can be, but I'm afraid. I'm really not close with anyone. I feel like I have a wall that separates me, a façade that I hide behind that protects me from being hurt by others. I feel that if I let someone else in and trust him that I will hurt him and be hurt in return. I feel that the things I like and believe, that the way I am and want to be, are hurtful or offensive to others. I feel that if I let others see the real me, they will be hurt or disgusted, offended or angered, and they will reject me utterly.

I want to be completely open and honest about everything. I want to live without fear. I long to unburden my heart into the caring hands of one who loves me unconditionally. I know Jesus is and should be that One, but I long for a physical one who will wrap his arms around me and whose voice I can really hear.

My father was distant.

Funny, the eponymous poem at the beginning of this post was really about the despair I feel about having any noticeable positive effect on this world, but the post turned out to be about other things...

There will be more. This may be the beginning of my therapy.

— Σαρα

How boring am I?

Wow. I was just updating my profile (it's an incredibly slow day at work) and I realized how boring I've become, and honestly probably always was. I haven't even blogged in however long. Music is the only bright-spot. I've always enjoyed a broad range of music and Pandora has helped me find many new and enjoyable songs. But in books? I hardly ever read anymore, and nothing terribly interesting. In this past year, I've read a some Wooster & Jeeves, and Karen Marie Moning's Dark Fever and Blood Fever books. Yes! they're romance novels, but not bad ones! They're a little silly, but fun and they hold my attention. They're a lot more like Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series (though it's much meatier) than a normal romance novel. Everything else I've read this year has been work related - programming languages, methodologies, and processor manuals. Gah! I love my job, but with the kids, work, and keeping up the house, I just don't seem to have any time to be interesting anymore.

I used to read a lot of science fiction. I read most of Asimov's writings. I've read almost everything Heinlein wrote, until I got tired of EVERYTHING being about sex. His stuff got so boring later on, because all he wrote about was how all of his characters were having sex with all of his other characters, and how cool they all were with it. His earlier stuff, like The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Starship Troopers had some really good philosophy, but later the stories all got to be completely unrealistic in the way human interaction was shown. NOBODY was ever jealous! I put down Time Enough For Love in the middle of it, and I've really not read anything by Heinlein since, it was just so stupid. Now, I hardly read fiction at all, and I never write. I used to enjoy writing short stories. I just can't seem to make time anymore. When I have free time, I'm too tired to be creative.

I don't even watch many movies anymore. I don't have time to go to the library and find stuff to watch. I love foreign films, French and Chinese especially. But again, no time.

I haven't kayaked (or canoed) for over a year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was on the water. I don't go hiking or camping anymore. We didn't get to hunt at all this year. We don't go out at all. I used to love going to clubs and dancing. We hardly even go to movies now. I think in the past couple of years, we've only gone out for our anniversary, and then we just have dinner and see a movie. He doesn't like going to clubs or bars, so we don't even go get a drink.

I've been a disappointment to my husband in bed for sometime now. I just don't want it, which I know isn't uncommon, but still... and that doesn't mean that I don't want him. We're just not connecting. I've forced myself to be more receptive in the past couple of months and give him a chance to at least try to get me into the mood. It's helped and we've had some good experiences. I've been trying to just go with the flow and not attach so much importance to it.

What's worse? I'm going to turn thirty-five this year. I've been thinking of my self as "almost thirty-five" for the past couple of months just so when it happens it won't hurt so badly. I keep thinking of all the things I never did and blaming myself because nobody but myself prevented me from doing any of them. I was the one that made the choices for myself. I took on these responsibilities and obligations.

I think the most infuriating thing about all of this is how simply unexceptional it is. I'm firmly average, right in the middle of the bell curve. So many women have this same experience right around this same age.

At least I have hope. I've fallen in love with and been eating a lot of sushi and other Asian foods this year. I've even tried my hand at making nigri. At least I have lunch time to try new things! I don't have a boring spirit, I have an adventurous spirit. I'm held back only by the very worthy responsibilities I've agreed too, but those won't last forever. My kids are growing up and we're getting ahead. We'll get back outdoors. Maybe I'll get a nightlife again. Romance will rekindle. I will do worthy and valuable things!

Happy New Year!

— Σαρα

Updates from out of this world...

So, Yahoo! Avatars adds a bunch of Star Wars themed stuff. I created this avatar:



I wanted to be Princess Leia when I was little, `specially after she got rid of that awful white dress from the first movie, and you know how husbands are with the slave girl outfit... ;^)

So, when looking for pics of Kristen Bell to add to a post about her joining the cast of Heroes, imagine my surprise on finding this:



I'm so going to see this movie!

So anyway, KB is playing Elle in Heroes. It seems to be a small part. She's only been in two episodes so far. I'll admit that I wasn't terribly impressed with her acting, not that it was bad, just that she seemed to be playing Veronica Mars with a high-voltage touch. Elle dressed and looked just like Veronica would, and had the same mannerisms. I think Kristen certainly has enough range to have made the character completely different.

She's also narrating Gossip Girl, which meh.

— Σαρα

Another good example

Danica McKellar is publishing a math book for girls, Math Doesn't Suck. Pretty cool! It's really good to have role models who are accomplished at other things than just being pretty. Of course, what does it say about us that we really only notice the ones who are accomplished and pretty?

— Σαρα

It's raining in California...

I think the end of the 3^rd season finale was quite fitting. I remember that song playing on the radio in the car when I was little.

Veronica Mars has been canceled and I am sad.
— Σαρα

Many years

In other news, my husband is taking me out for sushi this weekend for our anniversary! Mmmmm, nigiri toro!
— Σαρα

Denim mini's

Denim miniskirts are my favorite piece of clothing, and I stumbled across a picture of my favorite. I wear this one all the time!
— Σαρα

My dream life...

I think this avatar pretty well shows my dream life. It makes me very happy whenever I see it.
— Σαρα