How boring am I?
Wow. I was just updating my profile (it's an incredibly slow day at work) and I realized how boring I've become, and honestly probably always was. I haven't even blogged in however long. Music is the only bright-spot. I've always enjoyed a broad range of music and Pandora has helped me find many new and enjoyable songs. But in books? I hardly ever read anymore, and nothing terribly interesting. In this past year, I've read a some Wooster & Jeeves, and Karen Marie Moning's Dark Fever and Blood Fever books. Yes! they're romance novels, but not bad ones! They're a little silly, but fun and they hold my attention. They're a lot more like Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series (though it's much meatier) than a normal romance novel. Everything else I've read this year has been work related - programming languages, methodologies, and processor manuals. Gah! I love my job, but with the kids, work, and keeping up the house, I just don't seem to have any time to be interesting anymore.
I used to read a lot of science fiction. I read most of Asimov's writings. I've read almost everything Heinlein wrote, until I got tired of EVERYTHING being about sex. His stuff got so boring later on, because all he wrote about was how all of his characters were having sex with all of his other characters, and how cool they all were with it. His earlier stuff, like The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Starship Troopers had some really good philosophy, but later the stories all got to be completely unrealistic in the way human interaction was shown. NOBODY was ever jealous! I put down Time Enough For Love in the middle of it, and I've really not read anything by Heinlein since, it was just so stupid. Now, I hardly read fiction at all, and I never write. I used to enjoy writing short stories. I just can't seem to make time anymore. When I have free time, I'm too tired to be creative.
I don't even watch many movies anymore. I don't have time to go to the library and find stuff to watch. I love foreign films, French and Chinese especially. But again, no time.
I haven't kayaked (or canoed) for over a year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was on the water. I don't go hiking or camping anymore. We didn't get to hunt at all this year. We don't go out at all. I used to love going to clubs and dancing. We hardly even go to movies now. I think in the past couple of years, we've only gone out for our anniversary, and then we just have dinner and see a movie. He doesn't like going to clubs or bars, so we don't even go get a drink.
I've been a disappointment to my husband in bed for sometime now. I just don't want it, which I know isn't uncommon, but still... and that doesn't mean that I don't want him. We're just not connecting. I've forced myself to be more receptive in the past couple of months and give him a chance to at least try to get me into the mood. It's helped and we've had some good experiences. I've been trying to just go with the flow and not attach so much importance to it.
What's worse? I'm going to turn thirty-five this year. I've been thinking of my self as "almost thirty-five" for the past couple of months just so when it happens it won't hurt so badly. I keep thinking of all the things I never did and blaming myself because nobody but myself prevented me from doing any of them. I was the one that made the choices for myself. I took on these responsibilities and obligations.
I think the most infuriating thing about all of this is how simply unexceptional it is. I'm firmly average, right in the middle of the bell curve. So many women have this same experience right around this same age.
At least I have hope. I've fallen in love with and been eating a lot of sushi and other Asian foods this year. I've even tried my hand at making nigri. At least I have lunch time to try new things! I don't have a boring spirit, I have an adventurous spirit. I'm held back only by the very worthy responsibilities I've agreed too, but those won't last forever. My kids are growing up and we're getting ahead. We'll get back outdoors. Maybe I'll get a nightlife again. Romance will rekindle. I will do worthy and valuable things!
Happy New Year!
— Σαρα
I used to read a lot of science fiction. I read most of Asimov's writings. I've read almost everything Heinlein wrote, until I got tired of EVERYTHING being about sex. His stuff got so boring later on, because all he wrote about was how all of his characters were having sex with all of his other characters, and how cool they all were with it. His earlier stuff, like The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Starship Troopers had some really good philosophy, but later the stories all got to be completely unrealistic in the way human interaction was shown. NOBODY was ever jealous! I put down Time Enough For Love in the middle of it, and I've really not read anything by Heinlein since, it was just so stupid. Now, I hardly read fiction at all, and I never write. I used to enjoy writing short stories. I just can't seem to make time anymore. When I have free time, I'm too tired to be creative.
I don't even watch many movies anymore. I don't have time to go to the library and find stuff to watch. I love foreign films, French and Chinese especially. But again, no time.
I haven't kayaked (or canoed) for over a year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was on the water. I don't go hiking or camping anymore. We didn't get to hunt at all this year. We don't go out at all. I used to love going to clubs and dancing. We hardly even go to movies now. I think in the past couple of years, we've only gone out for our anniversary, and then we just have dinner and see a movie. He doesn't like going to clubs or bars, so we don't even go get a drink.
I've been a disappointment to my husband in bed for sometime now. I just don't want it, which I know isn't uncommon, but still... and that doesn't mean that I don't want him. We're just not connecting. I've forced myself to be more receptive in the past couple of months and give him a chance to at least try to get me into the mood. It's helped and we've had some good experiences. I've been trying to just go with the flow and not attach so much importance to it.
What's worse? I'm going to turn thirty-five this year. I've been thinking of my self as "almost thirty-five" for the past couple of months just so when it happens it won't hurt so badly. I keep thinking of all the things I never did and blaming myself because nobody but myself prevented me from doing any of them. I was the one that made the choices for myself. I took on these responsibilities and obligations.
I think the most infuriating thing about all of this is how simply unexceptional it is. I'm firmly average, right in the middle of the bell curve. So many women have this same experience right around this same age.
At least I have hope. I've fallen in love with and been eating a lot of sushi and other Asian foods this year. I've even tried my hand at making nigri. At least I have lunch time to try new things! I don't have a boring spirit, I have an adventurous spirit. I'm held back only by the very worthy responsibilities I've agreed too, but those won't last forever. My kids are growing up and we're getting ahead. We'll get back outdoors. Maybe I'll get a nightlife again. Romance will rekindle. I will do worthy and valuable things!
Happy New Year!
— Σαρα
posted by Sara at 12/31/2007 03:26:00 PM
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